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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time