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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m tired of things costing money.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.