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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.