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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.