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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.