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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.