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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.