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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Velcro is a ripoff
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.