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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.