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There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole