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Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]