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Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.