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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
So can we just skip to summer now?
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.