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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!