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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
is in no shape to exercise
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color