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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
It should really be called teethpaste.