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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.