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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.