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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.