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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.