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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Don`t waste my timeline.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.