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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Hash browns not tags.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.