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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.