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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?