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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.