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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out