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Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel