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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"