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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.