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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.