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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.