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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*