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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole