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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
My house has really let itself go.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.