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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"