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Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.