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Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...