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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.