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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.