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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.