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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.