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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.