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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)