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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
My cardio is shopping.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.