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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?