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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Trust me, I am a liar.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.