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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Honk if you are reading this.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP