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Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.