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I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!