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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.