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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking