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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.