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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.