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When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`