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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
French people give me the crepes.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.