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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!